I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
