i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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