Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
