you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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