im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
