ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
