my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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