dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
