...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Randomize
