In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
