Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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