My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
