So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
