Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
