Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
