i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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