happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
