I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Randomize
