I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
