I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
