Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
