im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
