toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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