I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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