there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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