I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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