I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
