I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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