come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I wish I only lived at night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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