if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
