Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
