Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
