then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
