Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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