I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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