Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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