Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
