so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
