My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
