I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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