god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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