How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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