I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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