I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
