theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
