I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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