So drunk its hurt
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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