I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
