you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
