How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Randomize
