She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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